I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
