sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
