i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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