party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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