How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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