Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
