wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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