i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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