I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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