White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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