another moral hangover. fuck.
I CAN MOONWALK!
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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