he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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