I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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