apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
