i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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