you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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