Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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