gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
