Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
