Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
