I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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