I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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