I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I wish there were birth control emojis
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
