Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
