Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
