The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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