She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
