I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
