just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
