We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So much rum. So many feels.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
