Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
