how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
