wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
