Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
