I wish I could punch you in the face.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.