So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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