Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
