Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
