I hate your face
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
