is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Ladies don't puke and tell
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
