Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
