I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
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