I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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