I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
