my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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