He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
