Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
