toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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