Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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