I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You are the jesus of drinking
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
