Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
