hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
