I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
