Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
