remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
