he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
